CHANGE

Am afraid of change. I have never been one to like doing something out of the ordinary. I don’t mean that I like being in the comfort zone, I just mean that there things in my life that I prefer in the constant mode.  This is a letter to a friend that I will forever cherish no matter what changes in our lives…..

Dear Friend,

I have known you for so long, I think this is the 12th year. We have had our share of pitfalls and grudges. You remember the time when I had to make a choice and made probably the wrong one? Yes that time….I know that it hurt you so bad and which sometimes I wish I could go back and do the right thing. You wonder why I would like to wind the clock? Because for a while now I have come to discover that you are not the person I thought you were 9 years ago. You changed but there things in your character that are constant.

We have had  good times together,times consisting of fights and competition for attention,but that was in our teen years…though I still cannot forget the poems you wrote,the letters and the endless conversations in the dark. Some were fights and some were reconciliation talks. I do not regret a moment of that time. Neither can I forget being in total depression because of your leaving…no way. It shaped me to withstand a lot..even a broken heart. Nothing about you makes sense to me sometimes….and I stopped trying to make sense out of it. I take what you say a day at a time….without trying to figure out what you are about.

As we grew up,am thankful for the times you have been there for me. I mean the days I would call crying and you would encourage me to take a day at a time. Pushing me to make decisions that were hard to make. You actually believe in the me in a way that I don’t even believe in myself. You have pushed me endless times to try a hand at somethings,well I guess am afraid to fail. For the awesome moments we have had together in a long time,am thankful….What was the essence of this letter? Oooh yeah, I am afraid things will change between us and this to me is genuine fear. I can’t remember the last time I felt this about something….but this is the real deal. Thanks for your assurance that things will not change,but they do….sounds really petty but to me you actually mean a lot ….and  I hope that life does not drift us in different directions only for us to meet like another 3 years down the line….the moment of depression is what am trying to make up for. Life please give us this chance to actually make the best we have. It sounds selfish…but????

Am truly happy for you and pray that blessings are showered in your life…..

Yours with Love……

 

 

 

 

 

Meeeeee

DISAPPOINTMENT

In our short lives we all go through this but in a different way. Its all about how we tackle it that matters. No one is an exception no matter what they say. It is the simplest of things that can cause disappointment. Someone told me that I am a hopeless romantic,which I am but that does not mean that I have never been disappointed,I have. Regardless of everything else, my heart is always intact. I decided that from then on I would stop loving with my heart and love with my mind.

The heart is such a small but vital organ and it carries with it a lot of baggage-but most of it is all in the mind.The good thing with the mind is that you can take out the trash and move on. The heart on the other hand just stores and stores until capacity until the day it breaks its banks.What is the essence of this post? No matter how hard things have been, sometimes we have to kick ourselves in the arse and decide that we cannot expect everything to go the way we want. I think that sometimes we can control how things go but have to be very careful because we might tread on grounds that will hurt us. Love is just that love. It has no explanation,not in words or diagrams. The good thing is its an awesome feeling.

There are people who are afraid to love because they have been disappointed. Am not sure whether it is a reason enough to be afraid to give this other person a moment to be a friend, then move on from there. Love goes wrong when the two are not friends. Love is meant to be shaped and felt.Its not a skill to be learnt or cultivated. Unfortunately many learn it and then once the lesson gets boring we walk out with no second thought.Only to say that love sucks. No you suck…its not a practical Biology lesson. That is why after such a short time people lose touch and distance occurs because they disappoint the other person in a way that they cannot take back. If by chance that a second chance is provided,it does not last long. Reason being that  the heart cannot stand to be in a compromising position again. The cycle is always the same,all you have to do is flip the script,change the course and take another track and you will be on the safe side not to be disappointed again.

Being a friend means more than anything,someone who you can share the deepest fears,someone who can read you like an open book.The person who makes you happy and smile despite everything and does not judge you for your past,does not compare you to anyone he has met before and can always miss you even though you are not around. All in all disappointment is part of life and we have to live with it.We just have to know how we handle it at any one particular time and we can move on with life regardless.

 

THE MAN

When I was younger I used to wonder what kind of man I would meet in life and want to spend the rest of eternity with. As  a girl you have the perfect man in mind,he must be tall, handsome, have a gorgeous body and a great sense of humor-of course it does not stop there. The worst always happens and you meet a bunch of idiots who are just that idiots. I am not saying that there is smooth sailing. You must pass through all the dirt,mud and all the gross things to find the one( if he exists). When he comes into your life you definitely know it. It’s like you suddenly grow a set of wings and you fly in the open skies not caring whether you will hit a wall or anything. You suddenly get an energy so powerful you wonder where the hell it came from. It’s not that for everyone, the feeling is different. In all my posts I say I believe in love and I do but sometimes its a whole load of crap if I must use that word. I am not sure whether it is the feeling or the people involved in it.

The man…how and where do I start? He is gorgeous, I mean really gorgeous. Six feet( I think-I suck at Math),eyes that can see deep into your soul. The kind of eyes you want to wake up each and every day and hope to be looking back at you. His eyes are compassionate and gentle.A masculine body, one that you would want to have each and every night, one that you can lean on to protect you from harm,hold you when you are at your worst. His lips are kissable,the ones you would not mind doing so for as long as you can.  His clothes fit perfectly to his body and he loves plain colors. He is not complicated in the way he dresses, nothing too over the top,just plain and simple. He is always gazing into nothingness, sometimes I wonder what he is thinking. I avoid asking him not to distract his thoughts-its a pretty good sight watching him in his zone. He is someone you can have a decent conversation with, a man with an intelligent brain, can hold an argument with sensible facts,is funny and can make you smile no matter how dark the day is. He can chase whatever is bothering you and bring you back to life by the simplest action or words. His ambitions are achievable, because he already knows the road he is travelling on. He is not complicated and has no time to beat around the bush. He is down to earth, has the hugest and giving heart I have ever met. He is a man you would not grow tired of. A man who will take care of you at any one time of your life.

The bottom line is, is this the MAN???Mmmh left with queries and unanswered ones at that…..I can’t afford not to smile…..

He is amazing…

LETTING GO………..

 

“Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to.”

There comes a time when you want to just leave everything behind and start allover again. Lately I have been feeling that way,moments where things do not seem to work out as planned or that they are either too controversial or somehow there is a stumbling block that makes the going harder or virtually impossible. Someone said to me today that we do not choose our paths,its all about choosing how to journey through them. I agree, however sometimes if things get tougher and nothing is transpiring out of them,what is the need of holding on to something that is going to be too exhausting in the end and bear no fruits at all?
I never give up on things or people but lately I seem to take a different dimension and I keep asking myself, what happens then when you hold on to things so much and not letting them go? Probably a lot of weight will have been shed from me. If you love someone and they don’t feel the same way about it, or have excuses that do not actually hold water, what is the need of sitting and hoping that something will transpire? I don’t know but I think its good to wallow in there for a while and then once you realize that the effort is not worth it then you just let go and it is a liberating feeling.

As I write this I am thinking I should take my own advice.For those who know me  know that I do not give up on people or in anything I want to achieve, so there you have it, I am not giving up in the quests that I am pursuing,all I know is that when push comes to shove, I will let go eventually.

“True love doesn’t have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.”

 

LOVE AND LIFE

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”Judy Garland said these words and over the last couple of days or are they weeks,I have thought about them hard and long and I could not figure out what they meant. Anyway there comes a time in a persons life when you want to be loved and I mean really loved. I am never of the opinion that we do not need love actually we do. Hypothetically speaking if there is someone in your life that you you actually love then for whatever its worth go for it. All the crap that you will feel desperate and weird making the first step is a whole load of bull.Here is a guy you actually love,and I refer to the ladies,the worst possible thing that can happen is for him to actually ignore the feelings,because that’s what men do,they walk all high and mighty pretending that nothing of the sort hits their masculine heart. Well, why should you sit on the fence, drinking with your pals,telling them how gorgeous he is,how he makes you laugh and how the sex is so awesomely intoxicating than actually tell him yourself? In normal I know that pride takes over us and we don’t want to look like we can’t do it by ourselves. However at times you want to protect yourself from hurt and all you want to do is shove those feelings so deep down your soul that it hurts as hell,the repercussions are always worse. All am saying is there comes a time in life when you choose who to love and who to be with.You also choose to jump in the sea and learn how to swim with the sharks. Love is a risk and I am a believer in love. Unless my heart is shredded into pieces I will stay on this horse for as long as I can and pray to God that I will not fall off. They say love softens the heart,I am not sure but if it does then damn mine is all mushy all over the place.On the flip side you can apply this “Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning”